Fifty Shades of the First War
by V. Sourweather
Summary: A collection of OS and Drabbles on the First Wizarding War. [Rated M for safety. Written for the Fifty Shades Of... Challenge on HPFC] Latest: Marlene is dead, and the only thing Dorcas still cares about is avenging her.
1. unconditionally (James & Lily)

_Summary:__ Lily doesn't expect she'll ever see James again, but she does. Even though she has to let go of someone else first._

_Rating:__ T_

_Warning:__ Canonical character deaths_

_Disclaimer:__ Everything belongs to J.K. Rowling and nothing belongs to me (as always). I don't make any money out of this story. There are lines in this OS taken from _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_, chapter 17: Bathilda's Secret._

_.:._

_Written for:_

_**[HSWW]**__ Assignment #8: Magical and Mundane Literature: Children's Literature__ / Task #2 - Write about someone who loves someone unconditionally_

_Other prompts listed at the end_

_Word count (without the A/N): 1,875 words_

* * *

_**unconditionally (of endings and new beginnings): **_**Lily Potter and James Potter**

Lily crouches down at the top of the stairs and gazes at James, who can't seem to take his eyes off her. Even as the door bursts open and the threatening silhouette appears (she knows who it is but she can't quite believe it), he visibly struggles to look down at his opponent (it's not even an opponent at that point, it's his executioner).

She feels tears welling up in her eyes, because all she has seen in his is love. Love for her and for their son. There is no fear in him, she can see it in his stance, and she is paralyzed.

It only takes a moment for Lord Voldemort to raise his wand arm and kill her husband, but during that brief second, she sees, feels and hears more things than she would have thought possible. She sees James, gazing at her intently behind his glasses, she relishes into the memory of their first kiss, she sees him kneeling in front of her with a ring box in his hand and honest anxiety in his eyes. She can recall in every time they've made love to each other, and she remembers the way he's hold her hand the day Harry was born.

And most of all, she hears the vows he's sworn to keep on their wedding day. She hears him say, "I swear I'll keep you safe and I'll love you and cherish you forever." The rest of the words had been for her, and only her. "Do you hear me, Lily? I love you. And I'll love you until the day I die, and if there's life after that, I'll love you still. Unconditionally." Tears (happy tears) had filled her eyes when she had heard those words, and she hadn't said anything in response but he had understood. She loved him too, unconditionally.

And she still does, and she wants to scream it at the top of her lungs. She wants him to hear it one more time, she wants the words to freeze the moment just before the green light hits him forever, and she wishes she could go back in time and save him. Save them all.

Instead, she just whispers it, her hand over her mouth muffling her words (and her sobs). And she can't do anything other than watch him fall on the ground, his glasses askew and his eyes empty (and her heart breaks into a million pieces, because it almost looks like he is sleeping but he isn't, and _it was never supposed to end this way_).

She sees the red, cruel eyes focused on her and she flees away, slightly tightening her grip around her baby's body. Harry… She has to save Harry now. It's all that matters now that James is gone, because _she can't lose him too_.

She closes the door of the nursery behind her and puts Harry down in his crib. She tries to barricade the door (but it's hopeless, and she knows it), and when it bursts open, she screams in terror because _this can't be happening_.

She tries to shield Harry with her own body because even if she has to go down to protect him, she'll do it. She loves him with all her heart and she just wants him to be safe (because then, a part of James will still be alive).

She stops screaming then and rather begs for her son's life. She half-turns towards her little boy and sees his bright green eyes (so innocent, she has to protect this innocence with everything she has) looking up at her. She doesn't kneel down before the crib like she wants to, she doesn't say the words, "Papa loves you, Mama loves you," because she knows her voice won't come out the way she wishes it would, but she thinks them nonetheless. And it's stupid, but she hopes he can see it her bright green eyes filled with tears (but he's so young, so she knows he can't).

It dawns on her at that moment, and she asks the Dark Lord, "Take me. Kill me instead." Her voice is wavering and she curses herself for it; she wishes she could be stronger. She realizes then that there is no greatest strength than the will to sacrifice herself for someone she loves so dearly, and she knows her love will be enough for Harry to survive (even if it wasn't enough to save James).

"This is my last warning," Lord Voldemort says to answer her offer.

She starts crying because she knows he won't back down, but she isn't afraid. She just waits for him to kill her, for she is almost sure that it will save her son (and maybe, in the hidden depths of her mind, she hopes as well that she will be reunited with James somewhere).

It's not even painful when the curse hits her, and she doesn't even feel herself falling on the ground. Her last thoughts are for her son, and she hopes that he will forgive James and her with time, for leaving so fast.

* * *

There's a hard ground beneath her, and something else that feels like grass, and before she even opens her eyes, she's frowning. She's dead and she shouldn't be feeling anything, so is it possible that...?

She opens her eyes and gazes up at the bright blue sky, and she knows she's not in her house anymore. And even though the weather is beautiful and the sun warms her skin (or does it? Is she imagining that too?), she starts crying because _Harry_.

She curls into a ball and lets the sobs wreck her mind, until she feels a hand on her shoulder (a gentle hand that she knows she'll recognize anywhere, but it can't be so she must still be dreaming). She starts and turns, and she sees James's concerned face hovering above hers.

"James?" she whispers, and her voice is raw.

He nods and pulls her up before wrapping his arms around her tightly, so tightly that she can't breathe (but she realizes she's not been breathing since she's got here, and that scares her more than she would like to admit and she starts shaking).

"I've got you, okay? You don't have to be afraid anymore. I'm here. I've got you." His voice soothes her like it always has, and slowly, she calms down enough to step away from him and put her hands (her too pale hands) on his cheeks.

"I'm sorry," she blurts out.

He wipes away the tears rolling down her cheeks and presses a kiss to her forehead. "You didn't do anything, so why are you apologizing?" he asks her then.

"That's the problem, James. I didn't do anything. I didn't save you, and I can't even be sure I've saved our son!"

"You have," he tells her. "You _have_ saved Harry."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because you love him unconditionally. I know your love for him knows no bounds, and I think I can say you didn't think twice about dying for him."

He pauses and she understands it's a question, and she shakes her head. "I didn't," she admits.

"See?" he says, smiling a little. It's not the kind of bright smile he's always showed before, it's sadder, but it's there nonetheless and she leans against him for support.

It hits her like a wave how she loves him, even if her heart has stopped beating, and she takes a few deep breaths to assess that fact.

"It's alright. I love you," he whispers again, his voice low against her ear.

"I love you too," she responds, and then she utters the word she hasn't had the chance to say so far. "Unconditionally."

His eyes lit up behind his glasses which reflect the sun, and he leans in to kiss her. It's not the same sensation as when they were alive, but it's beautiful nonetheless.

When she pulls back, she looks into his hazel eyes and asks (even if she doesn't want to break this happy moment), "What about Harry?"

"You've saved him. He would have appeared by now if you hadn't," James answers. "Your love was strong enough to save him, Lils. And I'm so grateful for that."

"Me too," she whispers, but there are tears forming in her eyes again because she won't even see her beautiful boy grow up, she won't be the one to teach him potions, James won't be the one to teach him how to fly…

"Hey, hey, Lily, don't cry," he tries to soothe her, but this time it doesn't work.

"Our son, James… He'll be alone, and we won't see him growing up, and…"

He puts his hand on her trembling shoulders and lifts her chin so that she can look him in the eye, and he states, "We will. We'll always be with him. We'll be there for him whenever he needs us, and I'm already so proud of him, and I know you are too."

"You really think we'll be able to be there?"

"Do you trust me, Lily?" he asks her, his voice a little tense.

"Of course! Always!"

"Then trust me when I say that we will be there for our son if he needs our help, and even if he doesn't."

She nods and takes a few deep breaths, and she's shocked when James smiles a little more brightly at her.

"Besides, we have our own little paradise! You see this, Lils?" he asks her, and he's enthusiastic like he's always been. "We'll stay here for all eternity, and our son and our grandchildren will join us in a little while, and we'll all be together again. That's more than we were ready to ask for, right?"

"Right," she answers, a thin smile on her lips. "But you were always the optimistic one," she reminds him then.

"You're right, Lily Potter. You know me far too well."

She shakes her head and smacks him on the side of the head, careful not to throw his glasses askew (the last time they were askew, he had been lying dead at the bottom of the stairs).

"You're infuriating, Potter," she says. "I do have one more question though."

"Ask away," he invites her.

"Shouldn't we try to find Marlene, Dorcas, Edgar and his family and everyone else?" she asks him, her eyes searching his face.

He looks around them and she follows his gaze, and she sees nothing but a stretch of grass and a few trees, darker on the bright horizon.

"I think this place's just ours," he finally answers.

She nods in agreement, but there's a sadness in her eyes because she considers them as her family and this is just… too much. Too much loss for one day. Instead of crying though, she wraps her arms around her husband and rests her forehead on his chest (his_ still _chest).

"This is our new beginning, Lily," James tells her. "We have to take that chance while we can, alright?"

"Alright," she nods, but the word is muffled by James's shirt.

"Our very own chance at happiness…" he sighs against her hair, and she agrees and tightens her grip around him.

* * *

_Also written for:_

_**[HSWW] **__April Auction - Day 8: Auction 1. (dialogue) "I've got you, okay? You don't have to be afraid anymore. I'm here. I've got you."_

_**[HSWW]**__ Yearly Events:_

_365 Prompts: 8. Moment_

_Insane Prompt Challenge: 258. (dialogue) "You didn't do anything, so why are you apologizing?"_

_Yearly Scavenger Hunt: 77. Write an AU you've never written before (Afterlife!AU)_

_**[HSWW]**__ Herbology Hangout: Mixed seed - (era) Marauders_

_**[HSWW]**__ Seasonal Challenges:_

_Days of the Year: 12th May (Mother's Day, US) - Write about a mother_

_Seasonal Challenge - Spring: 16. (theme) New Beginnings_

_Seasonal Challenge - Flowers: 5. Peony - (theme) Reunion_

_Amanda's Challenge (Fandoms): 4. Buffy the Vampire Slayer - (alt) Write about a strong female character_

_**[HSWW] **__Writing Club - April:_

_Showtime (Oliver!): 12. My Name - (word) strong_

_Bex's Basement: Vision: 3. (dialogue) "It's alright. I love you."_

_**[HSWW]**__ Hogwarts Gym: Oliver Wood's Quidditch Training Camp - Level 1: 1. Push Ups - Write 1,000 words about your OTP_

_**[HSWW]**__ Hogwarts Easter Funfair - Working Bees: Pairing Bee #12 (James / Lily); AU Bee #28 (Afterlife); Theme Bee #2 (Beginnings)_

_**[HPFC]**__ OTP Boot Camp Challenge: 50. eternity_

_**[HPFC]**__ Fifty Shades Of… Challenge (__Fifty Shades of the First War__)_


	2. Dead Woman Walking (Dorcas & Marlene)

_Summary of this OS:__ Marlene is dead, and the only thing Dorcas still cares about is avenging her._

_Rating of this OS:__ T_

_Warnings:__ Canonical character deaths, a few occurrences of language, and non-described torture_

_Disclaimer:__ I don't own anything, anything you recognize belongs to J.K. Rowling. I don't make any money out of this story._

_.:._

_Written for:_

_**[IWSC – Summer Camp]**__ Week 1 – Write about someone who has gotten themselves into trouble, and find that they have no possible way of getting themselves out of it._

_Other prompts listed at the end_

_Word count (without the A/N): 1,332 words_

* * *

_**Dead Woman Walking: **_**Dorcas Meadowes and Marlene McKinnon**

Dorcas Meadowes is no idiot. She knows she has no way to get out of here alive. She knows it, and she thought that she'd be happy to die, but all she feels is despair. The truth is, she doesn't want to go. So she fights and she fights and she holds her ground, but she _knows_.

She is a witch of talent, one of the most talented witches of her era, but she feels useless and stupid. Why has she even thought about going up against him? Against Voldemort in person?

She remembers. She told them she would be fine, she told them to go downstairs and free the prisoners on their own. She doesn't know why they believed her. But as soon as she was left alone, she climbed up the stairs and went against him.

And here she stands now, dodging the curses he throws at her. She's desperate. All she's ever wanted was to get revenge for Marlene, and now she's done, and she's not sure anyone will pick up the fight after her.

* * *

"_That's it, guys. It's time to get rid of Voldemort. For good," she encourages them._

"_That's not why we're here, Dorcas," Remus interferes, and she hesitates before she nods her agreement._

_She feels bad; she already knows she'll betray his trust. But this is the only way—the _only_ way—she'll ever get what she wants. Revenge. An end to her never-ending nightmare._

_She just plasters a smile on her lips the colour of coral, and she reminds them, "Right. The prisoners first. As always."_

_They all nod, and she unlocks the door with a whispered _Alohomora_ spell. She wishes she could just burst the door open, but if this has to be the end, she wants to go down fighting and getting killed right after entering the Manor won't get her there._

* * *

Discretion… Stupid discretion. That's what got her there, got her _dying_, in the first place!

She feels it when the spell hits her, and she tumbles back ("This is all going to tumble down in flames, I guarantee it," that's what Marlene told her the day they first met at an Order meeting). Maybe she isn't burning and turning into ashes, but the pain that courses through her veins is like fire, and it _burns_. It just _burns_ all the same.

She can't think about her girlfriend now. She wishes, sometimes, she could just erase her from her memory, and this is one of those moments, but she just can't.

So she thinks about her, and the way she used to kiss her, to caress reverently every inch of her body, to just talk to her in a soothing way only she could use with her without getting shouted at. She remembers everything, and it _hurts_. It's a different kind of burn, a different kind of hurt, because she doesn't feel it in her body, she feels it in her heart.

* * *

"_I'll do whatever it takes. To protect you, to keep you safe. I'll do whatever it takes, Marls," she promises her girlfriend._

_She can feel Marlene's lips quirking upwards, and she smiles as well, because this is just _Marlene_, and she can't keep from being happy when she's with her. Even in grave situations like this one, when they both know they could die tomorrow._

_She doesn't know she's right this time, she doesn't know it's just one more illusion they've built up in their dreams and are trying to turn into a reality. She's not aware this is the last time she'll ever see Marlene again._

_So she just smiles and kisses the blonde-haired girl who's always been at her side for the past three years, and she forgets everything in her arms._

* * *

"You are ridiculous, Dorcas Meadowes," Voldemort seethes in front of her, and his eyes are red, red like blood, red like _evil_. "Did you really think you could measure up against _me_?"

She wipes her brow and stares defiantly at him. She might have taken too much of a risk, but this is the end now and she'll be damned if she doesn't go down fighting.

So she grins and raises her wand once more, and she engages the fight once more. Her left arm burns after the spell Voldemort's sent at her and she winces every time she moves it, but she fights nonetheless. She will prove to him that she is so much stronger than he thinks.

She doesn't have time to step away from the _Crucio_ curse he sends at her, and suddenly she's on the ground and she screams and screams and screams until it seems to her as if she has no more air left in her lungs and—_she is going to die_.

When he lifts the spell, she pants and stays still on the ground, and she realizes that she has lost. Her only way out would have been to step away from the fight, and she couldn't because ultimately, he is the cause of Marlene's death, so she knows with the utmost certainty now that _she is going to die_.

And just moments before, she was so desperate and she didn't want to die, but now… Now all she can think about is Marlene, and escaping this world of charcoal grey to join her late girlfriend in the next.

* * *

_The world isn't bright anymore; the moment they put Marlene in the ground, she realizes it's only made of charcoal grey and a tear rolls down her cheek._

_She doesn't react when Molly Weasley—kind, sweet Molly Weasley—puts a hand on her shoulder; she doesn't know how she could do it, she just feels numb to the core. She lets her take her hand and lead her away from the tombstone, and she cries all the way to the Weasley's home and she doesn't accept the tea they give her._

_She just stares ahead, into the emptiness that should have been filled with Marlene's presence. She stares ahead and all she can see, in the colourful and rustic home of the Weasleys, is charcoal grey._

_And then… then the hatred comes. She takes the tea cup Molly has been handing to her for a moment now and hurls it at the ground, not caring that the red-haired woman is her friend and she shouldn't do that here, not in front of Arthur and the children._

_She just takes a deep, shuddering breath, looks at the emptiness in front of her and promises once more, "I'll do whatever it takes. To avenge you."_

* * *

She's always known that promise would lead her to her death, or something worse, far worse (capture, torture… she doesn't rightly know what they're truly capable of). She's taken far too many risks and made so many stupid mistakes because of her grief.

This is one of them. She's made the mistake of believing she, a stupid young witch, could take on and kill one of the strongest Dark Lords there ever was, and she doesn't regret it anymore.

The truth is, she's been a dead woman walking since Marlene's death, and even if there is no way out of this… At least she'll feel more alive than she's felt in a few months now.

So she continues to fight ("Always keep fighting," Marlene used to tell her) and she doesn't stop until she sees the bright green flash of light.

And then… It might have been the end, but finally, _finally_, she has the answer to the enigma of death—one she's always been too scared to solve. People always ask what others see when they're about to die, and she has the answer now. Bright colours. The world's finally filled with colours again.

Or maybe it's just the light at the end of the tunnel?

She doesn't know. She will never know. The only thing she's certain of is that she's dead now, gone, because how could she feel so happy if she wasn't?

* * *

_Also written for:_

_**[HSWW]**__ Yearly Events_

_365 Prompts: 54. Nightmare_

_Insane Prompt Challenge: 692. (restriction) no using the word 'said'_

_**[HSWW]**__ Seasonal Challenges – Summer_

_Days of the Year: 1__st__ August (National Girlfriends Day) – Write about a femslash pairing_

_Seasonal Challenge – Colours: 5. Coral_

_Seasonal Challenge – Birthstones: 8. Jasper – (dialogue) "That's it, guys. It's time to get rid of [name/thing]."_

_Elemental Challenge – Fire: Fire Prompt #19 – (dialogue) "This is all going to tumble down in flames, I guarantee it."_

_**[HSWW]**__ Writing Club – July_

_Assorted Appreciation: 10. Killian – Write about a femslash pairing_

_Disney Challenge (The Tinkerbell Movies): Character #4. Iridessa – Write about someone on the 'light' side of the war_

_Showtime (Hamilton): 38. Burn – (emotion) hurt_

_Amber's Attic: 22. "I'll do whatever it takes."_

_Liza's Loves: 11. Human – Alt: Write about a very good or very bad moment in someone's life_

_Angel's Arcade (Overwatch): Reaper – (colour) charcoal grey, (word) enigma, (title) _Dead Woman Walking

_Film Festival (Across the Universe): 12. (word) mistake_

_**[HSWW]**__ Bi-Monthly July: Mythology Club: 28. (plot point) a death_

_**[HSWW]**__ Funfairs_

_Southern Funfair: Test Your Strength: Average Prompt #14. Marauder Era_

_Northern Funfair: Splash A Mod: Liza! – 2. (era) Marauder_

_Eastern Funfair: Pie Eating Contest: Pecan – (word) illusion_

_**[HPFC]**__ Fifty Shades Of… Challenge (__Fifty Shades of the First War__)_

_**[HPFC]**__ Ship Your Character: MarleneDorcas_


	3. Remember (Caradoc Dearborn)

_Summary of this OS:__ Caradoc Dearborn is dying, and he can't even remember who he is._

_Rating of this OS:__ T_

_Warning:__ Canonical character death_

_Disclaimer:__ Everything belongs to J.K. Rowling, so I don't own anything. I don't make any money out of this story._

_.:._

_Written for:_

_**[HSWW]**__ Assignment #1: Photography – Types of Photography__ / Task #1 – Write about a death_

_Word count (without the A/N): 668 words_

* * *

_**Remember: **_**Caradoc Dearborn**

He is calmly walking home when suddenly, he freezes. There's something off; he can feel it in his bones. He doesn't draw his wand though. And perhaps it will be his last mistake ever.

He doesn't quite believe it when he sees Travers, that damn Death Eater, walking up to him with that disgusting smirk on his face. There's no way he could have known. No way in hell that… And then he realizes. Of course there's a way. He told Peter (only Peter, one of the most loyal people he knows—loyal… that bastard played his part well) he was going to meet with Dorcas, earlier this evening, and now Travers is here. And not only Travers… There are other Death Eaters too, walking up behind their leader.

He smiles bitterly. He should have known. Peter was always too quiet—never telling anyone what he was planning on doing. He should have known, and it's going to be the death of him. He knows it now, because there's no way, _no way_, he's walking out of this alive.

He draws his wand now, too late, but he draws it anyway. He's not going to go down without a fight.

He doesn't want to kill anyone, he's not a monster, not like them, and of course it now backlashes and comes back to hit him in the face… He can't help but be scared though, because he knows they won't hesitate, and he knows it probably won't be painless.

He ducks out of the way of a green jet of light and sends a stunner flying their way, and he smiles when he hears one of the Death Eaters yelp and fall to the ground. His smile is short-lived though, because he suddenly feels as though his entire body is burning and turning rigid, and he can't even scream.

He tries to look down, but he can't. All he can do is hear them laugh and sneer and he hates them. How he hates them! But even that flies away as his eyes are blinded.

He can't remember. He—He can't remember why he's here, what's happening to him, he can't even remember who he is! And he is terrified. He's more than scared, it just feels as though he can't breathe anymore because of the fear. Or maybe it's not just the fear, maybe he really can't breathe, maybe he's dying.

No, that's not true. He knows he's dying. That's the only thing he knows for sure. He's alone, not even himself anymore (he can't even remember what his name is), and he's dying, and there's nothing worse than that.

He remembers then. Something—no, someone—like a flash of light. He tries to see it more clearly, but she flies away. She… He knows it's a woman, in the depths of his slowly-beating heart. He knows he's remembering her smile, and her laugh rings in his ears, even when he thought he wouldn't be capable of hearing anything else.

And then…

"Come back to me. Promise me you'll come back to me."

It's a voice, a sweet and loving voice, and he can't even answer, say he's sorry because he's not coming back, ever. He remembers more now, though. He remembers the feeling of her kiss on his lips, and he wants to smile because that means it's his sweetest memory.

He can't though. He can't do anything anymore, can't remember anything anymore. He doesn't know it, but he, Caradoc Dearborn, is dead. He doesn't know either that the Death Eaters are looking at what remains of him and calling him names, but he's gone happy, so in the end, it was all fine.

When they burn his body so that he can't even be found, he's long gone, but he's already watching his beloved Dorcas from above. And he swears that he won't let anything happen to her, but he doesn't know yet that this is a promise he won't be able to keep either.

* * *

_Also written for:_

_**[HPFC]**__ Fifty Shades Of… Challenge (Fifty Shades of the First War)_


	4. Giving Love A Chance (Remus & Sirius)

_Summary of this OS:__ Remus and Sirius are closer than ever; and all that because of the death of a friend._

_Rating of this OS:__ T_

_Warnings:__ Canonical character death and slash pairing_

_Disclaimer:__ I don't own anything, everything belongs to J.K. Rowling. I don't make any money out of this story._

_.:._

_Written for:_

_**[QLFC - Round 9]**_

_**Team:**__ Tutshill Tornados_

_**Position:**__ Keeper_

_**Prompt: **_Under Pressure_ \- Lyrics: "It's the terror of knowing what this world is about"_

_Word count (without the A/N): 1,451 words_

* * *

_**Giving Love A Chance: **_**Remus Lupin and Sirius Black**

Remus is sitting on one of the armchairs in his living room, a book in his hand, when he hears the door being wrenched open. He looks up from the book he's reading, and he immediately sees the sombre look on his best friend's face.

"Sirius?" he asks, standing up from the battered armchair.

His friend purses his lips and crosses the room to stand in front of him. His cloudy eyes are darker than usual, and Remus knows. He just _knows_, and he can't even say he is surprised.

"Who is it this time?" he asks.

"I just got back from the McKinnon's. They're—They're all dead, Remus. I've always thought that if someone could survive this war, it would be Marlene, but she was—"

His voice breaks and finally, finally, a tear slides down his cheek. And Remus is glad Sirius is coping that way. He knows his friend has always been bad at coping, and the last time one of his (_their_) friends died, he just kept drinking and drinking until he couldn't even stand anymore. So yes, he feels relieved that Sirius is choosing to cope this way.

Remus hesitates. He looks at the hunched shoulders of his friend, and he finally decides that he can allow himself some comforting gesture, but he prays that Sirius won't find out that Remus actually wishes for more than friendship between them, because _this isn't the right time_.

He steps closer to Sirius and puts a gentle hand on his shoulder. Sirius jumps and looks at him, his eyes studying every inch of Remus's face, from the scars that run on the right side of his face to his green eyes. Remus flinches because he hates it when he stares at his scars that way.

And yet, at the same time, he can't help but hold his breath. He knows he shouldn't think that way, but Sirius is looking at him almost like he wants to—

Remus shakes his head. False hope never leads to anything.

"Marlene," Sirius sighs again. "I can't believe she's dead."

"It's normal. She was one of your best friends, and you can't process it."

Remus tries his best to support him, but he's too fazed by the look in his best friend's eyes that he can't be comforting at all.

A haunted look crosses Sirius's features and he repeats, "One of my best friends… You know, she's tried—more than once at that—to become something more. I wish I would've accepted, because I do love her. I think I always will."

He lapses into silence, and Remus doesn't speak at all. He's too busy trying to hide the look of hurt on his face. It hurts to hear him say it. Say that he loved Marlene. He's jealous of someone who's dead, someone he liked, too, and it just makes it all worse.

"I guess I just didn't love her enough," Sirius finishes, and the haunted look crosses his features again, far more pronounced. His high cheekbones seem hollow as he purses his lips, and his eyes are darker than ever. Guilt is changing him, and Remus can't stand that at all.

Sirius sits down on the battered armchair and brushes the loose strands of hair away from his face. He presses his palms against his cheeks, and it almost looks as if he's trying to hurt himself, and Remus just doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know who feels worse right now—Sirius or himself—though he does have a vague idea.

"Do you want to know what she looked like?" Sirius asks suddenly, his voice muffled by his hands.

Remus thinks they should stop talking about this. It just hurts them too much (for different reasons, but his friend doesn't need to know this). That's why he surprises even himself when he answers, "Tell me."

"She was lying on what was left of the staircase, and she was covered in rubble but she almost looked like she—like she was sleeping. But the house around her… It was destroyed. And the worst part was that her family wasn't even with her, they were… They were in the other part of the burned down house."

Remus wonders why Sirius is telling him about her family. Neither of them has ever met her parents or her little brother—Marlene was pretty secretive about her family.

Sirius continues, unfazed in his retelling of the scene, "It's like… Even in death, they were split in two—Marlene on the staircase, and her parents and her brother a few meters away from her, not as covered in rubble as her, so I think they might have been upstairs when they died—and I keep wondering… I keep wondering if she'll see them again on the other side. I've never believed in an afterlife, but now… now I hope there's one."

"It's the terror of knowing what this world is about, Sirius," Remus tells him, and he is comforting this time, as much as he can be anyway. "Makes you change your perspective on everything."

A crooked smile appears on his friend's lips, and Sirius nods. But then he's back at looking at him in this strange, strange way, and Remus can't help but flush. He knows he shouldn't have, because Sirius's eyes widen slightly.

The pressure in his body is too much and he looks away from the grey eyes of his best friend (and is that hunger he can see in his dilated pupils?). He can't do this now, he's just—he's dishonouring the memory of a dead friend, and they can't do this now. He's sure of it.

Except that he isn't so certain when Sirius puts his hands on his shoulders. He starts and looks up at him, and now it's clear what Sirius wants to do and Remus wants him to, but they can't.

Or can they?

"I know why I didn't love her the right way," Sirius confesses. "It's because I think—I think I love you more. And I didn't want myself to believe it, because I was so scared. But now that everyone around us is dying, now that we could be next… I just don't want to miss this chance."

And Remus is so flustered and he can't think straight, but he still brings himself to say, "I—I think I love you too."

And as Sirius steps even (impossibly) closer, Remus wants to lean in and kiss him, but he can't. Instead, he asks, "But is now the right time? You're still mourning, and—"

"And I need help to _not_ mourn anymore," Sirius interrupts him, not stepping away at all.

Remus wants to protest, to say that he doesn't want to be just that, _help_, but before he can say anything, Sirius is kissing him, and it just feels greater than everything he ever imagined, and his mind goes blank, and he forgets everything.

He kisses him back and grips his shoulders tightly before tangling his fingers in Sirius's long, black hair. And he feels like his heart is exploding, so he holds onto him and keeps kissing him because it seems to him like he can't do anything else right now.

When their lips finally part, Sirius rests his forehead against his and Remus can see the tears shining in his eyes, so he cups his cheeks in his hand and tells him, "This is us giving love a chance. This is _good_."

And his lover (he can't really process it, his _lover_) apparently agrees because he pecks his lips before stepping away and wiping the unshed tears away.

"Okay. Maybe today wasn't the best of days to do this, but I'm happy we did," Sirius tells him sincerely.

And that's when Remus understands that he will be so much more than just help. He promises himself that he will be Sirius's rock and everything else he needs. Because if Sirius is right and their friends continue to fall like flies, they'll need each other for _everything_.

He can see, though, that Sirius is back to being serious. There is this crease between his brows, and Remus looks at him worriedly.

"We should start recruiting more," Sirius thinks aloud. "The people in the streets… They're growing angry, and scared. They could be a good asset."

"You want to recruit strangers?"

"It will hurt less when they die," Sirius retorts, his grey eyes defying Remus. "I'm tired of losing people, and I feel like I can't do it again."

Remus can't really agree with him, but he promises they'll talk to their superiors about it. And perhaps it's not a bad idea either. After all, he's tired of suffering too.

* * *

_Also written for:_

_**[HPFC]**__ Fifty Shades Of… Challenge (Fifty Shades of the First War)_


	5. Weakness (Peter Pettigrew)

_Summary:__ Guilt and regret. It was all he could feel anymore._

_Rating:__ K+_

_Warning:__ Angst all over!_

_Disclaimer:__ I don't own anything, it all belongs to J.K. Rowling. I don't make any money out of this story._

_.:._

_Written for Gen, as a quarantine gift!fic (HSWW)!_

_Word count (without the A/N): 379 words_

* * *

_**Weakness**_**: Peter Pettigrew**

He couldn't help but think about what he'd done. He was there, cowering away in the sewers running beneath London, and he was not even in his human form (but was he even human at all?), and all he could think about was… _Lily, James, Harry_.

_What have I done?_

He wished he could stop everything, or that he could go back and just _change_. Be braver, be tougher, be smarter. He wished he could be someone else. Because he had betrayed his friends, and there was nothing he could do about it anymore, and really…

He wondered if they— Lily, James, everyone else— could see him now, wherever they were. He wondered if they even knew how much he regretted what he'd done. But then again, they always knew he was weaker— lesser— than the rest of them.

_Come on, Peter, is that really all you can do?_ And James had never meant it like this, but why did he have to say it? Why did he have to make him feel like this? Maybe this had been the start of it all. Maybe this— the constant remarks, the constant feeling of being less— maybe this had been why he had betrayed them all.

But really, it wasn't a good enough reason to do something like this. And all Peter could do now was squeal, squeal, squeal his despair and his self-hatred and his—

Squeal.

_Why did I do it?_

Squeal (he didn't know).

_Do I even really regret it?_

Squeal (one of protest, because of course he did— James had been one of his best friends, after all).

_Would I change anything if I had the chance?_

Squeal (of course he would try, but then again— weakness).

_All my fault._

Squeal (guilt).

And because weakness was all he had left, he changed back into his human form and walked, and walked, and walked, and when he found _him_ again, he promised to always be faithful to _him_.

(But this promise wasn't worth anything. He had promised the same thing to Lily and James and everyone else, what felt like a lifetime ago, and had ended up betraying them.)

And he wished he could say he regretted joining _him_, but… Really, he didn't. Not really. After all, he'd always been the weak one.


End file.
